Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tis the season to be freezin.

   Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

   I went to see a child psychologist the other day... But really, what can a nine-year-old tell me?

   I have an appointment this morning to see a child psychologist. But really, what can a nine-year-old tell me?

   Nothing hotter than a bow-legged woman in spandex.

   A big difference between men and women I've found during my 60 years of living is that if a woman says 'smell this' it's likely to smell nice.

   As a kid, I laughed when my Dad told me to never trust a fart. Well, I'm not laughing now...

   A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say "I don't get it?"

   Perk of being ugly: Your phone battery lasts longer.

   The two post down proves it. No matter how absurd it is, if Trump said it, the sheep will say it's right. At least I finally know the truth.

   I always thought laughter was the best medicine...which is probably why so many of my patients died and I bombed out of med school.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the only search engine we knew was called a librarian.

   Optimism is a gross abuse of the imagination.

   My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.

   Whoever this guy with TDS is, it's hysterical that he's perpetually beside himself with no one ever agreeing with him. I guess mommy and daddy let him have his way and he just can't deal with the rejection.

   It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called d Secret 7.we swore to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other 6 were.

   If a prostitute gets pregnant from a client, can she call the National Accident Helpline?

   Son: "Dad, how did you meet Mom?" Dad: "Well it started of by poking her on Facebook"

   My anger management class pisses me off