Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...

   Dude you should've seen this bathroom stall, it was like I had to clean up Heroshima before I could drop my Nagasaki.

   if it is not on wikipedia, then you are wrong, lady

   if you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.

   my face is leaving in 10 minutes - be on it.

   got excited when he had a "Group Request" in Facebook. Sadly though, it wasn't even close to the type of "groups" he had dreams about ..

   how can I miss you if you won't go away?

   loves when he adds a friend and that friend NEVER posts a message to me or anything....why did you even add me ya stoop

   ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!

   loves big ( @ )Y( @ ) and small (.)y(.) chesticles.

   There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Ones who make things happen, ones who watch things happen, and ones who wondered what happened.....

   Well that's funny...actions do not speak louder than words when you're beating a mime.

   The she in all those "that's what she said" jokes.

   I wear the pants in my house ....... straight after I've washed and ironed them. Yep I'M THE BOSS when shes not home and she bloody well knows it too !!!

   saw a sign in the hospital the other day that read "Family Planning - Use rear entrance" ........ good advice I thought

   You must been born on the freeway .cuz that's where most accidents happen.

   it is never too late to be what you might have been.. :D

   What where Abe Lincoln's first words after he woke up from a three day bender? " I FREED WHO?"

   saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

   according to VH1 calling women's boobs chesticles makes me undateable.what a bummer