Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

   billie eilish, carly rae jepsen, and miley cyrus should form a pop group called billie rae cyrus

   I'm not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

   What is a cannibal’s favourite sandwich? Kevin Bacon, lettuce, and tomato.

   I went to see a fat psychic the other day..... well it was actually a four chin teller.

   My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR.

   Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

   I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time...

   I went into a library today and asked if they had any books on shelves

   if I had a girlfriend I would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

   My friends describe me as "I'm sorry, he's not usually like this."

   When I was a little kid I was under so much pressure when Smokey the Bear said "Only YOU can prevent forest fires!" until my mother explained that I really didn't have to do it alone.

   today. for the first time in a long time. I checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

   I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase 'jumping on the bandwagon' got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

   Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

   Just saved a guy from drowning by throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline. He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

   Things you can't touch: 1. Happines 2. The Easter Bunny 3. Your wife's sister 4. This

   If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off... It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

   hey teens, you think you're angry now, wait until you have to buy your own toilet paper

   If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.