Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q.What does Pete Buttigieg have in common with a successful circumcision? A. They're both little off sawed off peckers.

   Rednecks took the phrase "going around in circles" and turned it into a sport for folks with single digit IQ's.

   The rain delay the Daytona 500 is experiencing is God crying over his redneck children for using only .000001% of their brains.

   Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!

   : It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

   Chalkboards are a remarkable invention.

   Look. I sent you a friend request because you're hot. Not because I wanna buy your CBD oil.

   I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.

   Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.

   If someone makes meat based vegetables, I'm in!

   What came first the chicken or the egg all depends on whether or not I'm having breakfast or dinner.

   Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.

   In Scotland, it's illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. I just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down.

   Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first.

   Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents

   My bucket list. 1. Buy bucket.

   Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

   I’m 39, If you invite me to a party that only starts after 10pm, I’m not even going to pretend I’ll make it.

   I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

   There are 3 certainties in life -death -taxes -anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to