Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the Eagles wrote the lyric "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device," they weren't kidding. Posted from my iPhone

   A good pick up line to use on a pregnant woman is "Got room for one more in there?"

   As you get older you quit looking towards the future And find yourself longing for the Pasture

   Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.

   Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says "Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!" & starts crying

   Sleeping In A Car By Age: 12 And Under: Very cool 13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal 18+: Uh-Oh

   I called the Coronavirus hotline. I kept getting a recording about soy sauce saying, "Do not refill bottle with other than Kikkoman!"

   Brooms are standing and strippers are falling. What's this world coming to

   Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I'm weak anyway.

   I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

   A survey by the national retail foundation said that some people even give their fish Valentine's Day gifts. A good way to tell that you've lost your mind is if you give your fish a Valentine's Day gift.

   Socialist: A person who wants everything you have except your job.

   Show her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   Taking things to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for the next 3 months.

   My friend Sierra tried to throw her empty soda can in the trash. Unfortunately, Sierra Mist.

   My girlfriend doesn't understand why her Facebook friends don't recognize her in public, which might be because she takes a hundred selfies and posts the best one knowing that she looks like the other 99

   Real friends don’t rub it in. They rub it out.

   PESSIMIST : Someone who can look at the land of milk and honey, and see only calories and cholesterol !

   Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

   Don't be sad if you're alone on Saint Valentine's Day as it could be worse like how it turned out for poor Saint Valentine who for the love of a woman was imprisoned then beat to death with clubs.