Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone needs a backup man. My husband: plan. The word is plan

   80% of electricity is made from fossil fuels so how are electric cars saving the environment??

   Been working around the house lately and getting so much done by using my favorite Power Tool known as Facebook's deactivation button.

   If her teeth don't fit, she must acquit. Nancy Pelosi, 2020 #SuperPoliGrip

   Whew. Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven't taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   I'm so old that “Getting lucky” means I remembered where I parked my car at the grocery store.

   My popcorn gone stale, my coke is now flat. Waiting for the showing of the pp tapes, what happen to that?

   I'm so old I can honestly say I've been there and done that. Just cant remember where and when that was?

   I'm so old I went to a Natural History Museum and the guards thought I escaped.

   Am I the only one that thinks it's very narcissistic that the Academy Award Members gave the Best Movie Award to a movie named after them...???

   Dam, girl. What did you think I was building? - Beaver

   An old pair of shoes once owned by Justin Bieber has sold on eBay for $50,000. To be honest, they're a little tight on me.

   A woman in Florida gave birth to a baby weighing in at 14.1 pounds. So I guess the question is: a baby what?

   I decided not to host the Oscars this year and see they couldn't find anyone to replace me.

   I don’t know why my wife is so loud during sex it’s not like anyone is going to come rescue her

   My retirement plan is hoping that a really rich dude with a fat fetish offers me a million dollars to sleep with my wife.

   I'm so old every year my family makes me a bigger birthday cake just so they can fit all the candles on it.

   Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

   My father always said The sky's the limit! Which now that I think about it might be why he lost his job at NASA?