Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lie is just a great story somebody ruined with the truth.

   I don't hate the police but I seem to feel better when they're not around.

   ♥ uʍop ǝpıısdn pןɹoʍ ʎɯ uɹnʇ noʎ ♥

   I bet Quagmire has tons of child support to pay.

   There is a little truth behind every just kidding, a little curiosity behind every just wondering, a little knowledge behind every I dont know, and a little emotion behind every I dont care

   I don't know what to say, so I'll just say what's in my heart... Baboom, Baboom, Baboom.

   Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles

   wonders if anyone has ever fallen asleep at the keyboard and crashed into the monitor....Do they have insurance for that????

   Words of wisdom: Never turn on your windshield washer, going 60 mph, and your sun roof open. Unless you want to wake the kids in the back seat.

   ... Wireless world. Defense technology. Alternative fuel vehicles. Computers. Lasers. Animal cloning. Fiber optics. DNA testing. Biometrics. But the dang scanners at Target never work. What's up with that?

   drinking shots with Miley Cyrus! Hope she dosent make a song about it.

   Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge and go to bed, married women come home, look in the bed and go to the fridge. lol

   hippies want to save the trees, but they love to read books

   used to hate going to weddings, all the grandmas would poke her saying, you're next. They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

   I may not be the best looking guy in the room, buuut I am the only one talking to you

   Richard Blumenthal clarifies - he served at 'Vie et Nam' a restaurant in Greenwich

   For the person who picked on you in school, stole your boyfriend/girlfriend from you, spread lies and rumors about you, didn't help you in anyway possible....all of a sudden......wants to be your friend on Facebook.

   If you hated taking quizzes in school, why the hell are you doing them on Facebook......and putting them on my News Feed?

   What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!

   I do it because I can, I can because I want to, I want to because you said I couldn't.