Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sent wait for the devil to take the souls of the ones who believes in taking an oath to God, but applauding when the GOP blatantly lies in order to protect someone.

   Last night I saw a gigantic spider in our bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got into an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.

   Trying to impeach a man whom wants to put God back in school will send you all straight to Hell.

   It's sad to watch folks who have been lied to by the Dems, CNN and the MSM for so long that they don't know the truth when they finally see it face to face.

   You mean lies like "I never met Stormy Daniel's in my life"?

   Yes, you know...the same Stormy Daniels ordered to pay $293,000 to him for lying.

   I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.

   Blocked someone for correcting my grammer and it feelded so good...

   So... what's this I hear about Coronas being infected?

   “Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?” - A Novel About Living with Small Children

   when I am in a store I always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

   The Go-Go's are bringing a vegetable to tonight's dinner party. They said, "We got the beet."

   All my friends just got fired from the rodeo. It was a real Cowboy boot.

   Can't decide between joining the US military, or opening a musical instrument store. I'm stuck between Iraq and a harp place.

   Don't be afraid to cut people off-Lorena Bobbitt

   I have two snakes strapped to my windscreen. They're my vipers.

   The plastic surgeon was quoting patients who had his scrotal enlargement procedure. Yes, they were testi-monials.

   I was ready to run for it when I heard the fire alarm go off at the Dentist's today. But he assured me it was just a drill.

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk and bread.