Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I’ve finally perfected the art of silent criticism, though you wouldn’t know it

   My wife and I first met at a Boston concert. I knew she was the one cause it was more than a feeling.

   Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

   My wife was in hospital for a mastectomy, I told her to keep me abreast

   If I’m looking for discount clock parts, should I go to a second hand store?

   I don't knead your dough, but my bread machine does.

   Scrabble would be more fun if it were full contact, like hockey. But then someone might lose an "I".

   At the zoo or on an African safari, they always pick the First Round Giraffe Choice.

   Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.

   Experts at this week's world economic forum that said in the future, cell phones will likely be tiny computer chips implanted in our brains. Great, now I have to worry about leaving my brain in the couch.

   If you really think about it, "F**k You" is a compliment.

   Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. Once it’s on you, it’s there forever.

   Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex," has never tried to reclaim his half of the blankets on a cold winter's night...

   A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

   Schiff is like a boil on the ass of democracy.

   A wise man once told me, "Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that"

   Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn't have a job.

   If your mom still washes your underwear, you're not allowed to have an opinion about anything.

   it rude to start asking my mother-in-law for daily child care fees? Her child is a handful and I don't work for free.

   Imagine if Ted Bundy was treated with such leniency at his trial....