Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources.

   A man buys his wife a car and she says "Can't you get me something that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds?" He brought her the bathroom scale.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, everyone remembers. Funny how that works.

   Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.

   We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes... ;) :D :P

   I've gone to bed like 6 times tonight and I've ended up on Facebook every time.

   If your paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!

   : If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other!

   BP Is Doing All They Can To Clean Up The Oil Spill They Are Even Offering The Cuban Refugees absorbant Oil Clean-Up Suits As They Get Ready To Swim Over. Thanx BP!!

   bye bye weekend! it was fun being with you! cant wait to see you next week!

   I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that

   I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

   Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday

   ------------is clearly convinced life is practically all about reading ------------------

   "Scent" is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.

   The new version of Pac-Man is so awesome, it comes with a search engine built into it

   Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again

   I wonder if cows refer to their sons as cowboys.

   My friend Ryan is going to attempt to get his vasectomy reversed tomorrow. I told him they could make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private."

   I've gotta come clean. That's why I masturbate with Purell®.