Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down...

   Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing....

   Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife....

   ..is already missing her time in Palermo. They had sunshine and sexy women. What does the U.K. haue? A week of summer and Susan Boyle.

   MySpace is the VHS of the internet.

   Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

   Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives...

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet...

   Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off...

   I once had fake plants in my house, but they died, because I forgot to pretend to water them.

   Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line???

   wondering how gas prices go UP after a hurricane, but go DOWN when there is oil leaking all ove the Gulf Of Mexico?

   I took my dog for a walk and played Frisbee with him, but he was useless. I really need to get a flatter dog.

   The new version of Pac-Man was so awesome, it came with a search engine built into it... Can we have it back...?

   I never pick up the house phone....But run a mile for the Cell Phone.

   With great power comes a great electric bill...

   Can you call the Geek Squad if you just want to give someone a wedgie?

   This is today 8====> and this is me (_!_)

   I'm totally over LOST. I don't even care anymore. I don't miss it at all. Do you want to drive by LOST's house and see if it's home?

   Disinfecting my kitchen right now with the glass of vodka and Red Bull that I just spilled all over the countertop.