Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives...

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet...

   Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off...

   I once had fake plants in my house, but they died, because I forgot to pretend to water them.

   Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line???

   wondering how gas prices go UP after a hurricane, but go DOWN when there is oil leaking all ove the Gulf Of Mexico?

   I took my dog for a walk and played Frisbee with him, but he was useless. I really need to get a flatter dog.

   The new version of Pac-Man was so awesome, it came with a search engine built into it... Can we have it back...?

   I never pick up the house phone....But run a mile for the Cell Phone.

   With great power comes a great electric bill...

   Can you call the Geek Squad if you just want to give someone a wedgie?

   This is today 8====> and this is me (_!_)

   I'm totally over LOST. I don't even care anymore. I don't miss it at all. Do you want to drive by LOST's house and see if it's home?

   Disinfecting my kitchen right now with the glass of vodka and Red Bull that I just spilled all over the countertop.

   It wasn't until Rick gazed upon a photo on her facebook after 4 kids, and 80 pounds that he finally stopped wishing he had Jessie's girl.

   As a man, it scares the hell out of me that North Korea has a missile called the "no dong."

     The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies; probably generally they are the same people.

   I think you misunderstood me. I said "go phuck yourself" with a PH. So, that makes it cool and not remotely offensive... Phucktard.

   I feel sorry for our ancestors who used to have to wait days or weeks to hear from friends that they were laughing out loud.

   I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say "snap back to reality, oh there goes a cavity."