Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When nothing goes right....go left.

   I think its high time we let our freak flags fly..... :)~

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources... :)~

   Apparently a vacation is more important than honoring our fallen soldiers at Arlington....But don't worry, Obama will be back in DC next week to rub elbows with his celebrity friends as they honor Paul McCartney's many accomplishments. Jerk!

   I wonder if Snoop Dogs favorite kind of weather is drizzle?

   I wish the rest of me was as tan as my left arm

   Ed Hardy makes condoms now? Fine by me. I think we can all agree that anybody who buys one probably shouldn't breed.

   No you must have misheard. I said that the job was "below me".

   Either she's wearing last night's clothes or she had alcohol and shame for breakfast.

   Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

   I woke up at 3am naked and holding a watermelon.

   I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

   i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

   I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

   I bought a treadmill today.It's giving me a run for my money

   I've been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.

   BREAKING NEWS! Private IMs of Top BP Engineer released! BP-1: Nothing is working. Any more ideas? BP-2: What if we build a large wooden badger?

   Wants to thank BP. Now I can wash and oil my lettuce at the same time

   Know how to tell when a woman says something smart? When she starts her sentence with "Once a man told me"

   Dear god, please can we swap Justin Beiber for someone with some actual talent?.. say Michael Jackson would be good...