Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fyi: Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.

   I started out this year with a goal of losing 30 pounds and I only missed it by 35 pounds

   If your grandma got run over by a reindeer, you may be entitled to compensation...Cal 1800 HURT HAHA!

   new drinking game...every time a member of congress coughs, take a drink

   Where's the civil war you morons promised? I'm waiting...

   My New Year's resolution is to hang out with more than two of my Facebook friends.

   Have happy merry impeachment and if you didn't hear trump's impeachment time is here.

   Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.

   Please donate 30$ to my child's school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

   Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

   I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

   I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

   Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake? Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

   Cop: Are you drunk? Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this? *stands on one foot* Cop: ok first of all, ow

   While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

   Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

   My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I'm serving it anyway.

   Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

   I don't have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that's followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

   Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven't felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.