Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To all who have worn the uniform of the United States Armed Forces……. from the first shots fired at Lexington in 1775, to the shots still being fired overseas this very day……. I salute you!

   I can't believe people these days. I was at church and the lady next to me lit a cigarette.....I damn near spilled my beer!

   Homeless guy in an Obama shirt asked me for change... thought u'd chuckle at that

   If I ever were to become a scientist, I think my first area of research would be to try to prove my theory that there is a direct correlation between stuttering and 3rd trimester vibrator use.

   just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF... Best Facebook Friend Forever

   Breaking News!!!!! Spongebob Square Pants found Dead in oil patch........

   Solemnly Swears That He/She Is Up To No Good

   Always hold your girlfriend/wife's hand at the mall. If you let it go, she will shop!!.

   Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, auditioning for the circus again.

   heard that coroner's report that Gary Coleman died from a series of Diff'rent Strokes

   wishes his sandwich would look like the damn picture for once.

   coming up with a funny status update is overated.. be content with this one..

   By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

   Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

   The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

   Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

   A friend in need is a pest indeed.

   A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.

   I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

   Paul Newman's half-Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too, put them together, what a fine looking Jew