Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have a little fun, stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

   "Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."

   Life was much simpler when Apple's and Blackberry's were just fruits.

   i said something that changed the atmosphere at a dinner party yesterday... I said I hope no body is allergic to nuts... because I like resting mine on the table

   Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

   "Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away."

   I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water, all I have to do is defrost it!

   Apparently the phrase, "If you build it, they will come," doesnt apply to self constucted bedroom furniture from IKEA!

   i'm speechless...what can I say?....i saw it comin b4 it happen...i felt the fart but i'm goin to shout my mouth let them blame the fat kid

   I am afraid if I started selling my body I might end up on the cover of Forbes Magazine.....

   its POOP again....Don't put it out with your boots TED!!!

   Be who you are, not who others try to make you

   KIϟϟ+ACϟDC=greatest bands of all time

   Q: How was David Copperfield born? A: He escaped from a condom!

   Lather, Rinse, Repeat ... that's how they GET YOU !!!

   I'm good at reading between the lines when I'm doing cocaine off of a Kindle™.

   I'm in the mood for Sushi but the Japanese place near me doesn't take credit cards. I'm gunna have raw toast instead.

   I don't consider myself.. 'SINGLE & ALONE' I consider myself ' INDEPENDENT & AVAILABLE :3~)