Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm hearing Fight's breaking out over new pairs of Jordan's shoe at Mall's across the country. um...there's no punchline to this, just people getting punched in line!

   "stepping on a frog"just isnt that funny at Christmas dinner at the in-laws.

   Dear Ticker...seriously I dont wanna know each click of my friends ........what's this!!!

   I took up for you today, someone told me that you eat sh!t sandwiches. I said they was wrong because you dont eat bread.

   When you think your having a bad day remember you could be Amish.

   My dog can't seem to walk straight when we are out. He is gonna make look bad when I'm under the influence.

   Dear Google,Please Dont tempt me to watch the lunar eclipse online ... My Stars are against it :|

   a member of a LYNCH CLUB. Kind of like a LYNCH MOB but we're not like them.

   If he's truthful then I'm a one legged pirate......Does anyone see me with a parrot and a cracker??

   "Hey there, little fella!" -First words said by every guy finishing liposuction surgery.

   on a new diet.. eat what a caveman would eat... the "Paleo Diet".. I like it... but where do I find fresh dinosaur? :)

   I've been internet single since before the internet was invented.

   the preceding status update was erased before a live audience.

   believes it was Plato who once shared this sage advice: You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin'

   so out focus on my commute this morning that everyones heads were bigger then there asses. lol.

   giving up Pabst Blue Ribbon for Lent.. first few days are always the hardest

   Skippy recalls peanut butter because Bacteria was found in peanut butter distributed in Illinois..... And in other news Skippy announces the world wide release today of it's new peanut butter with "active cultures"

   Called in my Napalm Strike and fried a whole bunch of Burritos.

   Happiness is only a beautiful woman and a riding crop away.

   Don't you love it when you punch someone in the jaw & they don't drop so you get 2 punch em again in the temple.