Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.

   It's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between Facebook status updates.

   I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.

   enjoying a stiff one. A stiff drink, you dirty-minded people!

   used to sing like Justin Bieber...then I turned 4!!

   - I've just written a song about a Tortilla......Well I guess it's more of a Wrap....

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

   I wonder how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them.

   After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.

   I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   I know where children get their energy... they drain it from their parents!

   I read the rules and decided they are stupid so I will be making my own from now on.

   I took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   I've decided that, instead of being a good example, I'll be a warning.

   Express Lane: Five beers or less.

   If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

   Make love, not war. Hell, do both, GET MARRIED!

   I have a new philosophy to foster peace and harmony in the universe: GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.

   No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her $hit.