Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sick and is therefore listening to The Cure.

   "Louisiana isn't the only place that has shrimp," said BP rep Randy Prescott. His office phone number is (713) 323-4093 and e-mail is randy.prescott@bp.com. Give him a call and tell him that BP isn't the only place that has fuel for your car.

   .has decided that, instead of being a good example, I'll be a warning.

   Something women would NEVER say: "This diamond is too big"

   I feel like a million bucks...now where can I go cash this in?

   "I'm Tom Bodett of Motel 6, we'll leave the Lysol on for ya"

   When the world kicks you when you're down, breaks its legs.

   Something a wife would NEVER say to her husband: "Could you please stop washing the dishes and sit down and have a beer with me, I can't hear the game!"

   Motels....Because you and your hooker deserve better than the backseat of some car.

   You know who's going to take the title between the Celtics & Lakers......Football season that's who.

   at the end nobody loses, but there's me laughing at you.

   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

   When asked "What would you bring with you to a deserted island", how come no one ever replies, "A boat."?

   With all the technology available now, you'd think they'd have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

   Sunburn is only a laughing matter when it happens to someone else.

   how many hijackings with nail clippers and shampoo have there been? None, that's how many!

   If the show is called America's Got Talent, how come Howie Mandel is hosting it?

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   She has a million dollar figure. But the top half is counterfeit.

   Never tell a dyslexic to cop a feel. Either way, they'll get hurt.