Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..... Still waiting for the Olympic Committee to award me with the Bronze Medal for Bronzing my metal ....

   Let's raise a glass to my whininess. Too bad it's not wineiness.

   Thanks Nerds for reminding me its "Doctor", not "Dr" Who; also, I probably made out with your sister at a Motley Crue concert, so shut up!!!

   I think Willy wonka choked on an everlasting gobstopper

   Dug up a questionable bone in my backyard and re-buried it because ain't no one got time for an investigation.

   You know your weed man is getting too popular when he has his own Snapchat location filter.

   Are You: A) A complete partier. B) A vampire. C) A regular insomniac, or D) Some combination of the above?

   Winnie Mandela is 80 and still looks fresh and beautiful than most of you 20yr old girls.

   What's the word for when someone goes 1-100km/h in 7.5 sec in a relationship only to jump out as you engage cruise control?

   Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

   Y'all freaking out about the clowns as if women aren't afraid of being murdered by strange men while walking alone at night all the time.

   Top 5 Fears: 1) Snakes. 2) Tornados. 3) Avalanches. 4) Spiders. 5) A baby not high fiving me back.

   I think Christmas must be near, The bin man said good morning to me.

   Italian bread is just like regular bread but it's gold chain gets stuck in its chest hair while it blows out your kneecaps.

   Cosby is going to be meeting bubba and will really get some "pudding in his cloud"

   be like doctor strange, he saw the end of infinity war 14 million times and he never said a spoiler

   There’s a tunnel at the end of the light

   My lesbian neighbors got me a timex for my birth day. But I don't think they understood when I said I wana watch.

   "You're not liked as much as you think you are. And those who do, like the money you have."

   The three wonders of the world. Single guys that make wonders happen. Guy with girlfrineds that see wonders happen. Married guys wonder what happen.