Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

   Paedophobiais: a fear of children.....I knew there was a name for my condition! :)

   Wishes some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's.. when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.

   has an additional sentence that he never wanted to hear in bed: "On Facebook you wrote 17 cm!"

   This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual status update, you would have driven staight 2 Taco Bell & eaten a chalupa.

   Family and friends know the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words.

   wow just found out Jimmy Dean died! this is gotta be the wurst day ever...

   Fat bottomed girls, You make the rockin' world go round.

   For the Mean girl who cut me off, gave me the finger & rolled down your window just to call me A-hole. Next time you should think before you act. You were pulling into your Driveway. Now you have Egg on your face & your car & your house. =)

   sorry I ignored your text yesterday, but did you really want me to reply to it with "I don't feel like texting you right now" anyway?

   hates when his hand falls asleep, it usually means it's going to be up all night

   If you can get one person to smile then your day was worth while.............

   why, hello there tequila and vodka....enjoy your stay, and as usual...please feel free to as many complementary brain cells you'd like.....i believe you and liver have met??

   Oh, I believe ya.... but my tommy gun don't!

   just realized that it's actually called 'hang-gliding' and not 'hand-gliding'. Looks like I can put that one up on the self along with 'wheel-barrow' instead of 'wheel-barrel' and 'volley-ball' instead of 'balley-ball'

   Oveheard on the "short" bus.....If you're happy and you know it stomp your hands

   to drink or........... to drink there is no question.

   Am I the only 1 who cheers 4 the grape soda in the Kool-Aid commercials?

   packing for beach vacation - cross the oil off the list

   My wife just came in to tell me about something that happened at work today and I asked her to hold on for a second as I grabbed a can of listening juice...I might need two.