Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.

   [forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

   Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

   my girl said she wanna travel so I handed her a basketball & told her “take three steps”

   If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She's a keeper!

   An upscale Asian restaurant called "Suit and Thai."

   My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.

   Well if you didn't want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?

   Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

   I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

   The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.

   Let me guess. The whistleblower is un patriotic because he was doing what he thought is right for the country, not blind loyalty.

   If only he listened to his wife's "be best" campaign, then he wouldn't be in that predicament he's in now.

   Why are women and children always the last survivors in horror films?

   What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.

   I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king

   Funniest thing about all of this is the fact that some people still stick up for him.

   They are choosing a man over the country. That isn't patriotism. You should be ashamed of yourselves!