Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I haven't thought about murder enough lately.
←Rate | 04-08-2018 14:47 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I lost money in the John Wayne toilet paper co. The T.P. was so ruff it wouldn't take sh*t off of anybody.
←Rate | 04-08-2018 18:20 by Jake Comments (1)  

   messageicon ‪The first idiot to complain that it’s too hot this summer is getting hit with a 10lb. bag of ice!‬
←Rate | 04-08-2018 20:32 by Guest Comments (0)  

   messageicon Daddy, all the Mexicans are gone, why haven't you got a job yet?
←Rate | 04-08-2018 22:44 Comments (1)  

   messageicon You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"
←Rate | 04-09-2018 00:23 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon a bisexual a person who pays for sex?
←Rate | 04-09-2018 00:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 02:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 02:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A white lie is like a regular lie except it orders a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte, with soy milk from Starbucks.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 02:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't make me go all shouty capitals on you ...
←Rate | 04-09-2018 02:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 02:25 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon enough already we don’t love you at your that or at your this
←Rate | 04-09-2018 02:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ndian housewives hold 11% of the world's gold — that's more than the reserves of the U.S, Germany, and Switzerland put together
←Rate | 04-09-2018 04:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So Ronda Rousey finally fulfilled her dream of being an actress on WWE. Congratulations.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 04:54 Comments (1)  

   messageicon So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?
←Rate | 04-09-2018 04:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wondering why people who are in Love would want to re-arrange the alphabets "I" and "U" to express their feelings, honestly I don't see a valid reason of doing that whatsoever
←Rate | 04-09-2018 04:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fought a guy in a wheelchair. He said I'll get you when I get to heaven and get my legs back. I said, it's a Stairway to Heaven, not a ramp
←Rate | 04-09-2018 04:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The worst feeling in the world is when you hear someone with heels heading your direction, sounding like a real hot babe, only to find out its either some old hag or a guy with coowboy boots on
←Rate | 04-09-2018 04:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t remember the last time I knew what I was doing.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 06:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry Facebook ... you didn't protect me, my kids and grandma's secret peach cobbler recipe. You're now the new MySpace to me.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 06:38 Comments (0)  

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