Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went into the bathroom without my phone and now I know all the ingredients of cleaning solutions.

   Sure it's nice to let your kids be independent, but sometimes it's also nice to not have ketchup all over your kitchen.

   Don't call 911 when you hear screaming and yelling at one of my family gatherings. We're Greek, and just having fun cooking dinner.

   Why is my kid in the living room doing cartwheels when I put her to bed an hour ago?

   I'll be dressed up tonight as a dad who sends his kids house to house to beg for handouts while eating their candy in the street like a hobo zombie.

   Who has clocks they have to change anymore?

   Instead of saying "for all intents & purposes" you should say "for all incense & porpoises" just for the fun of it.

   Let's get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.

   voting this year is like picking out what STD do you want!!!!!!! you know is going to burn!

   ..... Hey .... Who could've predicted that the rise of "Reality Television" would lead to this exact moment in History?

   What if every opossum you saw on the side of the road was faking it?

   I'd like your post or photo but you did and now I think you're an idiot...

   Not to be outdone by the new "Coca Cola Selfie Bottle", CHARMIN is announcing their new "We're on a Selfie Roll!" bathroom tissue product. Now you can turn those boring old bathroom selfies into "Action Selfies"!

   "I don't celebrate thanksgiving because it's a story of murder....." well, if this is murder, it sure is delicious......please pass the yams.....

   Dear Activision, how about you come out with Call of Duty - Black Ops STOP! Sincerely, Everyone.

   Put your index fingers together and keep your eyes on your left finger while slowly moving your hands apart. While still looking at your left finger, touch your nose with your right finger. Now stop doing that.

   I installed an energy saving water heater this morning. It's a tankless job but somebody has to do it.

   Uh, rah rah baseball people. Football season's begun. More You can stop now. Thanks.

   I know what you did last Friday the 13th.

   I understand that in every life a little Rain Must Fall, but what I don't understand is why does it always happen to me the few times when forget to close my car windows?