Funny Status Messages

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

   believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

   just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last

   "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

   My GPS says (estimated time of arrival), I see (TIme to beat)

   Big decision, watching the World Cup vs watching paint dry. Watching paint dry wins!

   My next car is a Bentley*. [* conditions apply]

   pouring a little liquor out for 2 Pacs birthday today...in my mouth.

   I will take "Reasons for not wanting to work today" for $200 Alex

   can't seem to finish anything that he sta

   has poor taste in clothing... I've seen wounds dressed better than me.

   men go to the bars to get laid and women go there to tease

   I love all of the sexual harassment jokes that everyone says at sexual harassment training.

   The way my luck runs, if I were hanging on to the side of a cliff for dear life, the person reaching down to pull me up would be a leper.

   It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

   I heard that the teen years are a time of rapid changes. I agree, but not exactly what I was expecting; since my daughter has turned 13 I have aged 20 years.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience & Fearlessness. 4 skills I possess whilst shavin my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens

   Before an argument with your wife/girlfriend, they should read you your Miranda rights........because whatever you say WILL be used against you.

   The word tsunami is not in my phones predictive text dictionary. So if you get a text from me saying, thumang!! Get the off the beach.