Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon BREAKING NEWS: Two cars had an accident in Mexico. Nobody died due to the cars being Lexus with airbags both stolen from the Houston area.
←Rate | 03-12-2018 14:34 by BillC. Comments (1)  

   messageicon 7-11 cashier: that will be $5.87. Me: ok 7-11 cashier: would you like a bag? Me: You got something good???
←Rate | 03-12-2018 17:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Steam Workshop :: Zoey with Christmas Hat
←Rate | 03-12-2018 22:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at the point of my life where if aliens come, they wont need to abduct me, I'll gladly go with them
←Rate | 03-12-2018 23:29 Comments (2)  

   messageicon SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon friend: you coming to the party tonight me: no i've got plans narrator: he had no plans
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hold my jean jacket. Someone just insulted Savage Garden.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:40 by @kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am very patient with people because I don’t interact with any.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Weekends are for losers who can tell a difference from one day to the next.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 03:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My phone rang so now I need to get a new one.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 03:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 03:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 03:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saw an elderly couple kissing passionately and I thought to myself, I want that... stop immediately.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 03:07 Comments (0)  

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