Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

   Instead of a tweet up, I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains You know... A Couples Retweet

   people talk about working on their "summer body" but I've been working on my winter body for years

   I don't have a nervous system. I *am* a nervous system.

   I used to be a hipster, before it became trendy.

   It's a good thing Peter Parker was bitten by a spider on his arm rather than his ass. Otherwise he would blow a spiderweb out of his butthole every time he farted.

   So why did poor Sally sell seashells on the seashore when anyone could just walk along the beach and pick them up for free?

   So what happened to Oscar the Grouch if you overslept on trash day?

   Five years ago today, Barack Obama wore a tan suit, the biggest scandal in presidential history (rolling eyes back).

   If your house doesn't have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.

   My buddy was playing a drinking game where he’d take a shot of whiskey every time Trump lies. His funeral is Tuesday.

   Just found a app on my new phone that tells you which of your friends and family are slightly narcissistic. Its called facebook.

   If you sneeze and fart at the same time your body takes a screen shot.

   A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.

   Wish there was a way to turn horrible books back into trees.

   And just like that kids at the stroke of midnight on August 31 all the girls ears wiggled and BAM Pumpkin spice everywhere!

   If you're wondering what my secret to success is. You can find it under Facebooks settings then scrolling down to where it says deactivate account.

   What's everyone doing for Labor day? I think I'm gonna get right into the action and mow the yard, make some chicken stew and get to the mattress store so I don't miss the BIG sale!

   The night before the kids go back to school is the grown ups version of Christmas Eve.

   Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.