Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i was having lunch with a chess champion the other day.I knew he was a champion coz it took him 20 mins to just pass the salt.

   Insanity is hereditary ... you get it from your kids.

   Liquor & poker...or just play cards!!!

   Can I have your phone number, so I can call you the next time I have a 4 hour erection?

   why do some people insist on writing out their check even when the cashier says its electronic withdrawal and they'll get their check back instantly, and theres a long line... waiting??

   thinking Huggies diapers should be brought in as a consultant to the BP leak in the Gulf. If you saw some of the leaks these Huggies have already stopped, then you'd be a believer. LOL

   just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last

   I did an ancestry search on line of my family heritage? It totally explains why I found a hockey mask and machete under Jason's bed?

   standing in the store's personal hygene section waiting for hot chicks to walk by and as they do I spray them with Axe Body Spray. Glad I didn't $pend any $ on this s**t because the reaction I'm getting is NOTHING like in their commercials!!!

   the guy who put the hole in the ozone layer.

   This Halloween, I'll be handing out those little tiny candy bars. I think they're called bite-me sized.

   If I had a million dollars, I'd buy a brewery, and turn the planet into alcoholics

   Those peeps out there are actin crazy..I had to hit someone over the head wit a frozen turkey...But that old lady had it comin cuz that will be the last time she runs over my foot wit her wheelchair....

   hiding behind your door waiting to scare you...:O

   playing strip russian roulette! Both fun and exciting at the same time!

   used to be famous, but moved away and changed her name because she had too many fans.

   no dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.

   Typical I buy 1 night stand from eBay & all I got was a bedside table...no dout they will be getting negative feedback!!!

   Yes, I'm coming to your party. Please introduce me to everyone before I get there, I don't want to have to explain my whole "deal."

   God put one arm around me today for love and protection and then your hand over my mouth...It's just gonna be one of those days!