Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon How does the Little Mermaid decide which sea creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra?
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we didn't have phones and had to go back to writing notes to each other on paper the hardest part would be drawing all the emojis
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:51 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fastest way to end a perfect family moment is to try to take a picture of it
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am waiting for the Fitbit upgrade that lets me buy 5000 extra steps
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:57 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Take your spouse to IKEA from time to time to check out the status of your relationship
←Rate | 12-22-2017 18:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it a bad thing that Siri does not recognize my voice unless I have food in my mouth?
←Rate | 12-22-2017 18:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I may not be boyfriend material, but I am use me for sex material. . .
←Rate | 12-22-2017 20:42 by JAB Comments (0)  

   messageicon The phrase "hooray for our side" was coin by men who watched lady Godiva ride her horse side saddle.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 22:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
←Rate | 12-22-2017 23:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you said you were gay.
←Rate | 12-23-2017 01:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
←Rate | 12-23-2017 03:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you never climbed across the living room furniture as a child, pretending the floor was made out of lava, or built a fort out of cushions and blankets, you didn't have a real childhood.
←Rate | 12-23-2017 12:19 by Gil Comments (0)  

   messageicon "We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
←Rate | 12-23-2017 13:21 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend Polly Esther never complains.
←Rate | 12-23-2017 18:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fact that we have to buy trash bags just to throw those same bags in the trash is why I'm angry today...
←Rate | 12-23-2017 18:58 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon just had a near-work experience...
←Rate | 12-23-2017 21:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon guitar for sale - no strings attached.
←Rate | 12-23-2017 21:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon why is Santa so jolly? Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.
←Rate | 12-23-2017 23:21 Comments (1)  

   messageicon my mind used to be like a steel trap, now it's like the cart you get at the store with the bad wheel
←Rate | 12-24-2017 09:58 by Dp Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer. lol!
←Rate | 12-24-2017 12:22 by @slopoker21 Comments (0)  

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