Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 04:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Music is much more enjoyable if you listen with your eyes shut. It is also more enjoyable if the people sitting near you would listen with their mouths shut
←Rate | 12-08-2017 04:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
←Rate | 12-08-2017 04:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think Rudolph's wife was named Olive... Like in "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."
←Rate | 12-08-2017 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I first met my wife she told me she was bi. I didn't realize until much later she meant polar.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 10:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 13:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This is 2017 -- we don't say Gingerbread Man, we say "light-skinned spicy gender-neutral person" bread now
←Rate | 12-08-2017 18:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like salad best when it is simplified down to the most basic ingredients and smothered in hamburger
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Actually, I would probably do anything else but show up to a gunfight
←Rate | 12-08-2017 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon panicked thinking -- did I leave the fireplace video running?
←Rate | 12-08-2017 21:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you say "holiyay" in front of me I'll stab you in the heart.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:28 Comments (1)  

   messageicon "I've lost my contacts" is the new "I've got a new phone."
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same ?
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The fatter the chick, the bigger the psycho.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
←Rate | 12-09-2017 08:36 by UncleBubba Comments (0)  

   messageicon What ever kind of medicine Nancy Pelosi is taking doesn't seem to be working.
←Rate | 12-09-2017 08:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with a hot cup of coffee!
←Rate | 12-09-2017 10:44 Comments (0)  

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