Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations, they may burst and result in a leak...

   With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

   washing my car, the birds need a clean place to use the bathroom.

   Where would one apply to be a boob critic? I think I would do well at this.

   9 out of 10 Canadians believe that out of 10 people, 1 Canadian will always disagree with the other 9

   like a bra, she gives me support and is close to my heart

   I have just finished my thesis: "Pyrotechnics Lead to prosthetics". Keep all your digits safe! Happy 4th!!

   a ninja NO YOU ARE NOT! you saw that?? SAW WHAT? exactly...

   will stop drinking when captain morgan puts his foot down.

   saw a police vehicle with a broken tail light. Can another police officer pull him over to give him a ticket?

   Feel bad for eating sushi at my desk in front of my goldfish.

   If porn was truly free, I'd save a lot of time on google.

   best all time combos...peanut butter and jelly, ham and cheese, batman and robin...ALCOHOL AND FIREWORKS!

   Today marks a historic date of our country. Happy 4th of July to everyone. The day Will Smith saved us from Aliens.

   Happy birthday USA! On a side note thanks to President Whitmore, Captain Steven Hiller, David Levinson and Mr. Russell Casse for saving us from aliens in 1996!

   can't wait to see who's all going to be single on my facebook after the 4th of July!"

   The eternal struggle: Tops of feet are sunburnt. Lighter is dead. Corner store is two blocks away. They have a sign: no shirt no shoes no service. I don't own flip flops. This is going to suck balls.

   enjoying the peace and quiet... the voices in my head aren't speaking to me at the moment!

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   - My wife said she is going to leave me if I dont stop my bad habbits. I nearly choked on my toe nail.