Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does this baby gravy always have to stick to my eyes

   They say you never know what you have till you lose it, You promise your girl something you better do it, You can't tell a woman you love her are you stupid, Words don't express you love you got to prove it

   haha yeah dude she talks about you all the time . .. . . she hates you..

   You can fight a lot of enemies and survive, but if you fight your biology, you always lose.

   It feels good not to have any feelings.

   Admit nothing, deny everything and make counter-accusations.

   It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." I'm talking to you Twi-hards & Beliebers.

   I don't take compliments well. Or criticism. You know what, just don't talk to me.

   After all these years, I'm surprised nobody at CSI has found the light switch in their office.

   How is lindsay lohan ever gonna find a good woman when she is jail? wait....... this might just work out.

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   heavy in the game like fatman scoop, plus I got a flow tighter than a batman suit

   just had someone have a go at her for deleting them from her facebook.Whilst I know it is a childish thing to do I can't help thinking "I don't give A TINY RATS ARSE that is WHY I DELETED YOUh

   So excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS! Also on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where is my cat?

   my dog is the best at playing dead....he's been doing it for six weeks. he's good.

   says I will reveal a new status update tonight @ 9pm (CST)....... Sorry Lebron James for taking the spotlight from your announcement at the same time on ESPN....

   really getting sick of all these so-called "Twilight" Rip-off shows or shows that had the vampire idea but realised it after the series. How's come when "Avatar" came out. they didn't bring back the Smurfs?"

   BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James chooses DirecTV over Comcast and Dish Network.

   My favorite meetings are the ones about the important deadline for work I could be done with if I wasn't in a meeting.

   There's an update available for my Vuvuzela app on my phone. I bet now, rather than making a noise, it just says "You"re a douchebag!"