Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally got around to filling out my bracket yesterday and guess what? perfect bracket so far

   My wife went to a shady oral surgeon for implants and now her teeth are 36D's!

   Did you ever noticed how much weight a chicken can gain and it never shows on their faces ?

   Sometimes I think I'm an intelligent person and other times I want to get married.

   If you want to repeal something, please for the love of God don't replace it with nothing!

   You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score! WooHoo!

   Ladies If your going to cut off all your hair and go bald just give us a warning. I'm sitting here wondering when did I add this dude on my profile page?

   Survival Tip - If you get lost in the woods start talking politics and someone will show up to argue with you...

   Hey, little regular fry in with my curly fries. Just be yourself, buddy.

   Crazy how people are more worried about getting Avocados then drugs and trafficing

   80% of corporate employees are suffering from AIDS ? Appraisal & Increment Deficiency Syndrome

   Want to know the secret to happiness? Deactivate your Facebook account like people used to take the phone off the hook.

   Windmill noise causes cancer? I learn something new everyday.

   If you people truly believe we're in danger then you are a f-ing moron.

   Thoughts and prayers going out to everyone affected by Wind Noise Cancer.

   Don't feel bad if no one talks to you on social media sites as all we could do is type.

   No one lives in Windmill Alley anymore. They all died of cancer.

   Turns out,the ball washer at the golf course is just for golf balls..I owe that trio of nuns an apology .

   Have you ever farted so hard you saw cartoon birds circling your head?

   I've spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife's shirt to actually stay on this hanger