Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The Gluttony scene from Se7en really isn’t torture if you love spaghetti and want to die.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 07:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please stop trying to trick me into a conversation
←Rate | 11-03-2017 07:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Over here is just as empty as Ivanka Trump women's empowerment speech in Tokyo.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 08:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can bone spurs keep you out of prison?
←Rate | 11-03-2017 10:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon According to your logic, I guess 9/11 is fake news because CNN reported it.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donna Brazille and Fauxcahontas both confirm Crooked Hillary rigged the DNC to win the nomination yet still lost the election. President Trump was right again. Dummy-crats still stupefied.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 12:31 by Sparky739 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Buy Halloween candy today. It's on sale and you get to eat it all!
←Rate | 11-03-2017 14:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon this is a good time to buy the Halloween candy. it makes great stocking stuffers
←Rate | 11-03-2017 18:24 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rude is saying STFU. Polite is saying please STFU.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 21:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My brother came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 21:16 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (1)  

   messageicon This afternoon I was so excited to find a sizable cache of Bitcoins in a shoe box! Upon further examination it turned out to be old arcade tokens I'd forgotten about. Damn.
←Rate | 11-03-2017 21:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cup of coffee so strong it doesn’t just pick me up, it reenacts the lift scene from Dirty Dancing.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 00:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing like a little chloroform and some duct tape to hold a relationship together.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 00:23 by psycho Comments (0)  

   messageicon She’s not angry...she just doesn’t like you.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 00:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future. Unless if it's the president of the United States.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 03:15 Comments (1)  

   messageicon When ur wife keeps her head on ur chest N slowly asks, "Dear, do you have any women in ur life other than me"? Remember ur answer is not important at this time, what is important is ur heartbeat. Keep calm n breathe easy. It's A biometic test
←Rate | 11-04-2017 05:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Stranger Things has taught us anything it's that we miss the 80's way too much
←Rate | 11-04-2017 05:46 by @jmichek Comments (0)  

   messageicon Kevin Spacy is innocent. He was framed by Kaiser Soze.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 09:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's hard to hit on someone when you're holding a bag of dog crap.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 12:40 Comments (0)  

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