Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark

   I'm a porn again Christian.

   Overheard at the coffee shop: “Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?” Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

   Women hate cargo pants and cargo shorts because they illustrate the tactical inferiority of the purse.

   I poured my heart out and it evaporated. FML

   I think some of my Facebook friends make completely irrational decisions in life that make no sense whatsoever, and we should hangout more.

   Mark Facebook needs to get his crap together!

   My kids are growing up and I guess that means I'm getting older...that's not what saddens me...what saddens me is that the kids no longer eat for free when we go out anymore.

   Dude! That cross-eyed girl at the bar is looking at you...... And me...

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   Facebook's down and I am poised at conquering the world!

   With facebook down I went back to doing those little things we sometimes overlook while it's up, like keeping the dishes from polling up in the sink, folding the laundry on top of the dryer, finishing reading those books I started reading and showering.

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Brownie are square.

   Today, I lied, lied about lying, changed my mind, lied about changing my mind, changed my mind about lying, blamed someone for something I did, lied about blaming someone, took a breath, and lied.

   420 - 0, what a great number.

   Alcohol kills!....But on the bright side of that, if it wasn't for alcohol most of my friend's would have never been born.

   Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc". Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

   So...Laveon Bell turned down $70M from the Steelers, sat out a year w/o pay and signed with the Jets for $50M. No wonder those guys always go broke...

   The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.

   Some of these self proclaimed “Instagram models” look like their birthstone is crystal meth