Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My MIL takes the F out of MILF.

   My therapist said I let other people control my emotions to much. I don't think that's true at all, what do you think?

   F to the you to the C to the K pretty much sums up my day

   Likes putting 1lb bags of M&M's in the Diabetic and Diet food asiles at the grocery store.

   wondering where Sascatchatoon is.

   Buying clothes once in awhile for a child doesn't make you a parent anymore than crapping on a windshield makes you a bird...

   I would text you back, but I have no signal.

   Let's just call the iPhone what it really is: The Toilet Book Pro

   got so drunk last night that he apprantly had sent a text to his friend saying "dude, partys great, but were runnin out of alcohol, so email me a pack of captain morgans, then head over."

   Babe, I can't promise you that you won't have problems in your life...but I can promise you that you'll never have to face them alone..

   Babe, I can't promise you that you won't have problems in your life...but I can promise you that you'll never have to face them alone..

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   are the watermelons being sold outside suppose to be better than the one's at the grocery store???

   Next time the Court of Justice selects me for Jury Duty , I'll bring an Octopus ...

   I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of vuvuzelas suddenly buzzed out in unison and were suddenly silenced.

   Hey, someone finally won! Celebrate irresponsibly.

   If you're OCD and you know it, wash your hands.

   Sometimes, when I feel optimistic about the future of mankind, I go read the comments on YouTube and it brings me right back to reality.

   I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

   The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of "Congrats" and "Best wishes" but no "I still question your sexuality" anywhere.