Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I followed your minivan for thirty miles. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ended.

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

   A message to whoever stole my shoes while I was playing in the ball pit at Chucky Cheese yesterday.. GROW UP!!

   All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

   At least mansplaing only takes a few seconds. Womansplaining can take HOURS!!!!

   I understand that in every life a little Rain Must Fall, but what I don't understand is why does it always happen to me the few times when forget to close my car windows?

   When it comes for the New Year's count down, raise your left leg. That way you'll start the New Year out on the right foot.

   For sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Can pick up in front of neighbors house.

   Please let me complain about my dry throat without you offering to lubricate it.

   I wish it was 1945 so I could call chicks “doll face”

   Funny how the most romantic gesture you can make nowadays while on a date to show the person your with that your truly interested is done by not looking at your phone.

   NETFLIX Bird Box about an English ladie's privates?

   I'm determind to stay out of debt this new year. Even if I have to borrow the money to do so.

   Bird Box looks exactly like A Quiet Place but instead of covering their mouths, they cover their eyes. Wait, if monkeys have taught me anything... will the next movie be about people who have to cover their ears?

   I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow, it was all gone, when my wife found out.

   Don't you hate it when someone is willing to take the credit when something is a success, but when it’s a FAILURE, it’s ALWAYS, somebody else’s fault?

   You know how TV commercials for burgers places make the burger look much better in the picture than they do in real life? Yeah, that's FaceBook

   Rudy: "Put up or shut up." That's good advice, that he needs to follow.

   And as tradition would have it, I now sincerely regret making plans for NYE

   If you want to know who your real facebook fiends are all you have to do is post that you got a new phone and need numbers.