Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't be your knight in shining armor.....but I DO have aluminum foil!

   95% of People who say, "Study! Study! Study!" during finals week are actually reading...Too bad they don't realize Facebook is not actually a book.....

   If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

   Lohan who? I cant believe the news coverage being given to a spoiled 20-something yr old. Here are a few 20 yr-olds worth knowing about: Justin Allen 23, Brett Linley 29, Justus Bartett 27, This week they gave their lives serving out Country

   You're so fake, Barbie is jealous

   Some people would not be born if alcohol was never invented.

   For Mel Gibson, how does every black joke start? By looking over his shoulder

   I can't afford the shakeweight, but I wish there was another activity that I can apply the principles to...

   A bread factory burned down over the weekend. No one was injured however the place is toast.

   I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy

   if at first you don't succeed, call it version 1

   I could never stay mad at you" actually means "cross me & I will drop you like an AT&T call."

   pole dancin on a numba 2 pencil... IT'S FRIDAY!!!

   Easy Bake Oven - Teaching women their place for over 50 years

   those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight.

   teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool.

   Wondering if in the future, robots will have a dance called the human.

   Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films."Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

   Now that the well is capped, legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I've got three words of advice: British. Petroleum. Jelly.

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.