Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!

   Whenever I played the piano when I was a kid, my dog would howl. Eventually getting fed up with the dog's howling. My dad said for goodness sakes, can you play something the dog does't know.

   Hot dogs, peas and applesauce, hum hum.... Hot dogs, peas, and applesauce, hum hum.

   There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   Does a white man using chopsticks to eat count as cultural appropriation?

   Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!

   “Did you check your pockets?” - to a kangaroo who’s lost a child!

   Anyone want some staples? Hold your hands out!..[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[....enough?

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   When people hate you, hold your head high and your finger higher.

   Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

   If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

   Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner

   Wednesday is known as "hump day". But to my dog, everyday is hump day.

   Bill Cosby ain't gonna like the type of "pudding pops" he's gonna be gettin in prison.

   Carrying that fake $20,000 ass is gonna get you nowhere. Literally.