Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my girlfriend thinks I am afraid of commitment my wife on the other hand...

   "He who has not learn to obey, can not be a great leader."

   Counting to ten when you are angry always works better if you are counting punches to somebody's face.

   Out of all the utensils to eat rice with how the f*@k did 2 sticks win?

   You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu

   Have you solved the PUZZLE or are you still looking for the pieces ?

   I refused to buy my 6 year old nephew a Barbie doll for his birthday because I believe that Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations. There is no way you could rip a woman’s head off that easily.

   Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.

   I was feeling tough and manly until I realized the spider was on the inside of the window.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   "Just because she weighed as much as 2 people, that doesn't mean you had a threesome."

   Brace yourself for pumpkin his and pumpkin that bull$hit

   Yaaay! Sam Patten has joined Mueller's side. Welcome to the club, Sam!

   No I am not childish. You are just a doodoo head!

   "The worst fault that people have is telling other people theirs."

   ive been seeing this girl in my building for about 2 weeks,but its over now she caught me and threatened to call the cops.

   My bucket list..... 1. Bucket 2. Ice 3. 6pk beer.

   ‪Picking your nose doesn't make you a bad person, but what you do with the booger will define you. ‬

   I just cleaned my house by turning off the lights.

   If you get a full 8 hours of sleep do you die?