Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what's the difference between 'Live Feed' and 'News Feed?' Isn't all the news supposed to be Live!!!

   -If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

   you can have a warm glass of shut the hell up, now you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep....your in my world now grandma!!

   going to The Regal Beagle tonight with Janet and Chrissy. Larry will meet us later. When we get together, shenanigans will soon follow.

   Single and ready for Rumble!

   to work because the kids need new leg irons.

   Wonders who the first idiot was that tried out a Shark proof suit?

   On Saturday night the House narrowly passed the healthcare bill. They say the reason it passed was because Nancy Pelosi didn't blink. But she hasn't blinked since what, 1982?

   a war baby. My parents took one look at me and started fighting

   dont waste ur breth on me sweetie, ull have2 blow up ur date later.

   that people think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

   Leave Me Alone! I Am Not Being Rude, It's Just That You Are Insignificant

   thinks that We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

   planning to hire a singing fat lady and take her to work, just in case someone says his tasks ain't over yet

   Whats the difference between a wife and a prostitute? One's on contract,the other's pay-as-you-go.

   ..is sleeping naked. I just wish that stewardess would go away. I don't care if there are children on this plane!

   Going to walmart with some friends of mine. Thats the best place to play hide-n-seek.

   I dont mind using the male Pill contraceptive. As long as it wont tamper will my Elephantiasis orgasm........

   if I stand on my tip-toes, I can see the weekend from here!

   in a personal vacation inside my head