Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Order a pizza from Papa Johns today NATIONWIDE-- they are making a donation to the families of the four fallen police officers in Lakewood (WA) - all pizzas sold on Tuesday, Dec. 8 and Wednesday, Dec. 9. ALL proceeds to a trust for their nine children
←Rate | 12-09-2009 08:13 by Fel Comments (0)  

   messageicon My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!
←Rate | 12-09-2009 07:58 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.
←Rate | 12-09-2009 01:56 by Twisa789 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Our local pharmacy was robbed of 60 bottles of Viagara today. Police say the suspect is a hardened criminal.
←Rate | 12-09-2009 01:02 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oompa Loompa, doompadee do, Tiger's got another alleged mistress ... or two?!
←Rate | 12-09-2009 00:20 by Erick Albert Comments (0)  

   messageicon What are three wordsTiger woods doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"
←Rate | 12-08-2009 22:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 20:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At least Tiger Woods was being truthful when he told his wife every morning that he was off to play 18 holes.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 19:52 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Use "can of whup-ass" only, as whup-ass is not sold in jars, squeeze tubes or resealable bags.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 18:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I have kids, I'll teach them about Krampus. That should prevent "naughtiness." Google it.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 18:56 by tomcall Comments (0)  

   messageicon know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 17:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girls we love for what they are; men for what they promise to be.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 17:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon : “The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.”
←Rate | 12-08-2009 17:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 16:32 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm dreaming of a melty turquoise Christmas. And sugar plums are fighting lesbian dragons in my head. This LSD-nog is fantastic.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 15:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wondering...have you ever felt like a fire hydrant and all your friends were dogs?
←Rate | 12-08-2009 14:56 by mullerman Comments (0)  

   messageicon needs a divorce from you, Facebook. You're no good for me.
←Rate | 12-08-2009 13:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon an expert on escaping padded cells and straight jackets
←Rate | 12-08-2009 13:45 by Emily Comments (0)  

   messageicon : Dear Santa, For being so good this year, can I get a look at that naughty girls list?
←Rate | 12-08-2009 12:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What are three words a man doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"
←Rate | 12-08-2009 12:03 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

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