Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I was lost and yes I did go looking but I did not find you Cyndi Lauper. Glad I didn’t fall.
←Rate | 01-24-2018 19:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you hear about the cereal Bill Belicheat and "Shady" Brady eat before games? Cheaties!....The breakfast of champions.
←Rate | 01-24-2018 20:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.
←Rate | 01-24-2018 23:15 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you comment or click like on a picture which was posted a year ago, you are a stalker
←Rate | 01-25-2018 03:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch
←Rate | 01-25-2018 03:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I Dream of using this phrase One day "Let's Just Take My Helicopter than"
←Rate | 01-25-2018 03:14 Comments (1)  

   messageicon You know its sad when your mother is on facebook and guys younger than you are poking her
←Rate | 01-25-2018 03:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I guess I shouldn't use Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've just begun to scratch the surface.
←Rate | 01-25-2018 07:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m not above sitting down in the shower crying.
←Rate | 01-25-2018 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.
←Rate | 01-25-2018 11:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being older doesnt mean you have pearls of widsom but spurts of common sense.
←Rate | 01-25-2018 12:11 by Theresa Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you buy weight loss products at GNC the only thing you'll lose is your money...
←Rate | 01-25-2018 12:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Super Bowl won't be the same without Glenn Frey or Brad Delp...
←Rate | 01-25-2018 12:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Android > BlackBerry > Nokia > Fax > Landline phone > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > iPhone with iOS 11
←Rate | 01-25-2018 13:55 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.
←Rate | 01-25-2018 14:10 by Cicci Comments (0)  

   messageicon Scientist have now cloned monkeys. Next on the Primate ladder before they reach humans- Politicians.
←Rate | 01-25-2018 19:42 by BobB Comments (0)  

   messageicon I changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice. Now it just says "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
←Rate | 01-25-2018 20:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So the Canadian prime minister contacted Kentucky before the president did after the shooting. When did Canada become better than us?
←Rate | 01-25-2018 23:17 Comments (2)  

   messageicon With the time difference between the eastcoast and westcoast. When you air travel from east to west. You literally are time traveling to a time that you already experienced.
←Rate | 01-25-2018 23:23 by Justathought Comments (3)  

   messageicon My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
←Rate | 01-26-2018 00:43 Comments (0)  

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