Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 5670 of 5815

   messageicon Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak man all day. Wearing a backpack & a turtleneck is lke being strangled by a weak man as a dwarf tries to pull you down.
←Rate | 12-15-2009 07:53 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon I woke up this morning and my friend said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No. I made a few mistakes."
←Rate | 12-15-2009 03:51 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone want to chip in and make a counteroffer to buy back Joe Lieberman?
←Rate | 12-14-2009 22:58 by mike Comments (0)  


   messageicon Back in my day, evolution simply meant a more badass Pokemon.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 22:35 by joe fool Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 22:30 by joe fool Comments (0)  


   messageicon insecure and naturally picks on those who are weaker than himself to give him some demented sense of self worth.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 22:29 by joe fool Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was thirty, but I wasn't even close. Then I thought maybe by forty, but by forty I had less money than I did when I was thirty.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 22:26 by joe fool Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just walked in the shower with my socks on....AGAIN
←Rate | 12-14-2009 22:07 by bert Comments (0)  


   messageicon A South Korean woman passed her written driving exam on the 950th try, taking the test every day for four years. She then went to a random typewriter and banged out a Shakespearean play.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 20:42 by tomcall Comments (0)  


   messageicon ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 20:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember when the candleshop caught on fire. Everyone just stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
←Rate | 12-14-2009 18:40 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon my wife cooks more on Café World! then she does here at home at least the the virtual people are eating well
←Rate | 12-14-2009 18:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How much horsepower does your horse have?
←Rate | 12-14-2009 18:23 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon wants my 1,519 FB friends to know I love you all..except #317..you sir..are a asshole.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 18:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Idea for a Christmas Party: Have two guys dress as Jesus and Santa Claus. One brings wine the other brings Eggnog with vodka. Santa brings his 12 reindeer playboy bunnies. All at your mother-in-law's house. ONE BIG JINGLE FOR THE YEAR.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 17:56 by Danmanz Comments (0)  


   messageicon FACEBOOK + CHRISTMAS = Endless status updates reminding you what month it is. Not to mention pages and pages of people's Xmas pics.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 17:48 by Danmanz Comments (0)  


   messageicon wondering if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 16:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 16:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 16:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
←Rate | 12-14-2009 16:43 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left