Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 5668 of 5785

   messageicon on an alcohol free diet. so far i've lost three days
←Rate | 11-21-2009 06:16 by becca Comments (0)  

   messageicon Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it. Thanks for being the pee in my pants. : )
←Rate | 11-21-2009 03:50 by @fliplol Comments (0)  

   messageicon maturity is knowing when and where to be immature...
←Rate | 11-21-2009 03:41 by Ayaz Comments (0)  

   messageicon wonders if vegetarians can eat animal crackers.
←Rate | 11-21-2009 03:24 by Snypa Comments (0)  

   messageicon So, the officer did not think it was funny when I hung my a** out of the car window at the movie theater and shouted "Check this new moon out"!
←Rate | 11-21-2009 03:19 by AS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just call her the Carpenter's Special: flat as a board and never been nailed.
←Rate | 11-21-2009 03:07 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon says Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old shotgun.
←Rate | 11-21-2009 02:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. And I have the Restraining Order to prove it! LOL
←Rate | 11-21-2009 01:50 by GabrielBelmont Comments (0)  

   messageicon just hacked into Santa's computer. All corporate executives will be getting coal this year.
←Rate | 11-21-2009 00:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anything you say will be held against you. "Tit".
←Rate | 11-21-2009 00:08 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon so looking forward to seeing "New Moon". Wow! An emo-kid vampire movie? How original!
←Rate | 11-20-2009 23:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon stocking up on Twinkies and shoe polish so he can replace Oprah in 2011.
←Rate | 11-20-2009 23:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon oral sex is a lot like smoking a cigarette...the flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt....
←Rate | 11-20-2009 22:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Santa..he's pretty lucky..cuz he knows where all the naughty girls are at..that's why he's so jolly you see?
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if you bet an emo kid 20 bucks that he won't kill himself, you'll either be 20 bucks richer or break even
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women burn an average of 27 calories during an orgasm, Faking an orgasm burns 160 calories. I've been helping women lose weight
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon so I slept on a park bench last hobo
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i named my two goldfish 1 and 2, because if 1 died I still had 2
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my parents said I could anything I wanted to be when I grew I chose to be an asshole
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After much prayer and months of careful thought, I have decided the next season, season 25 will be the last season of the Oprah Winfrey Show.
←Rate | 11-20-2009 21:17 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left