Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have more than one Bluetooth…does that mean you have blue teeth?

   I wonder if it bothers Morpheus that his daughter's job is to smile for the camera and take it in the rabbit hole

   Nobody goes to that Bar anymore. It's too crowded... wait, what, nevermind, let's go!"

   Wyclef Jean is running for President of Haiti. He should pledge to make Lauryn Hill his Secretary of Miseducation.

   why does a woman have two sets of lips? One to argue with the other to apologize.

   I use to be in great shape until I fell in love... Damn!!!

   ...MOOCH: A scab or freeloader who comes to your house uninvited and overstays his welcome (For more than about 3 days) and proceeds to eat all your food, stink up your bathroom, take all your drugs, drink all your beer, and just generally leech all the b

   TEA BAG: When you wake up to feel something that's warm, soft and fuzzy on your face and you realize that it isn't a puppy.

   It drives me nuts when people say "I could care less" which indicates that you do infact care. But if you "COULDN'T care less" that, my dear friend, is when you really don't give a sh*t.

   When I woke up this morning I wasn't sure what day it was so I checked FB and not only did I get the day but also the weather condition, news headlines, traffic report, and 5 breakfast suggestions. Thank you Facebook friends!

   New rule if you can't spin the price is right wheel all the way around then instead of trying again you go to jail, how exciting would that be?

   Yeah, its nice you wanna tell me about yourself, your life is an open book. But how about we skip to the chapter where we hook up.

   I don't want to know the Daily Recommended Value. I want to know the Daily Maximum Value that I can consume before I get either fat or diabetes.

   I've gotten 3 group and 4 page invitations from you and we've been Facebook friends for 15 minutes. You are not off to a good start.

   it just me, or does everyone have two email addresses? One for normal emails between friends and work, the other for spontaneously registering on random websites.

   Just once on a cooking show I'd like someone to taste-test the completed dish, scrunch up their face and say, "Oh my God, that tastes like sh*t!"

   wondering why do women always open their mouths when they put on mascara?

   "If you work hard all of your dreams will come true." Impossible. My dream is to never work hard.

   I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   Beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder !!