Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when the batteries in the remote die, I take both of them out, switch their places, and they're good as new. I'll always feel like I've tricked the stupid remote.

   When I treat myself to a random hookup, I make sure to give it my all and really wow the girl. I don't need someone out there running around saying that I'm not a good bed buddy or couch buddy. Or kitchen table buddy. Or airport bathroom buddy.

   "Treat others the way you want to be treated" is bullsh*t. All it's ever gotten me is a restraining order.

   My friend said he couldn't tell if it was a compliment or an insult that a hot chick only wants to hook up with him, but not date seriously. On one hand, she is just using you for sex. On the other hand, shut the hell up.

   I never have enough clothes...until I do laundry, then I never have enough closet space.

   There's an "Extreme Heat Advisory" in my city today. Thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I might not have realized it's hot as Satan's balls out within one second of walking outside.

   Just saw a guy hold the door open for his girlfriend, then playfully trip her as she walked in. So, chivalry isn't dead... it's just on life support.

   The thing I miss most about being a kid is having the ability to fall asleep nearly anywhere and it's still socially acceptable.

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100.

   It bothers me that one day a future generation with all-digital textbooks will look back and laugh at us for having to carry 40-pound backpacks in high school.

   My grocery store is trying to be more eco-friendly by lowering the amount of plastic bags used. Great, but perhaps we can start by not giving me a foot-long receipt every time of buy a bag of Doritos.

   The scariest part of the show “I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant” is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.

   Sometimes I'd rather be home by myself then have to hang out with my friend's friends.

   You do not need a clock to know that you overslept 3 hours for that important meeting. When you wake up, something in the air just screams "You are SO f*cked."

   I want to kick somebody's a$$, somewhere in the world, who works in a glitter factory.

   Either way, I'm still going to be laying on the couch and watching TV all day, but if I can hear it raining outside I somehow feel a lot less lazy.

   It'll be weird when names like Heather and Ashley are old people names.

   anyone else as apprehensive about throwing out a shoebox as I am?

   The first person who was used for a silhouette must have been ridiculously ugly. "Woah, change of plans. Instead of a portrait, how about we just take the shadow of your face?"

   Making all day plans on the weekend always sounds fantastic. Right up until the time my alarm goes off and I remember I hate getting up early on weekends and I don't really like other people.