Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Russia declared Wednesday a National Day of Conception to stimulate the birth rate. Any couple who gives birth nine months form now will win money and prizes. This is what countries without a Mexican border have to do to increase their population.
←Rate | 11-23-2009 01:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Taylor Swift wins over MICHAEL JACKSON?!? Where the heck is Kanye when you need him!
←Rate | 11-23-2009 01:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinking the shortest book ever written was called negroes I have gone yachting with
←Rate | 11-23-2009 00:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinks my family is afraid of me cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I overheard them setting speed dials for the fire department, poison control...and the bomb squad...
←Rate | 11-22-2009 23:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I date a woman, I think to myself, "Is this a woman that I want my children to spend every other weekend with?
←Rate | 11-22-2009 21:51 by bcj Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?
←Rate | 11-22-2009 19:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom...I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my the next thing I need to do is introduce myself......
←Rate | 11-22-2009 18:33 by DS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Blasphemy - the idea there's a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He's an all-powerful being; he's just got self-esteem issues.
←Rate | 11-22-2009 17:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon why do people on Facebook make a effort out of telling everybody in a huge paragraph how bad & boring their day was to make people feel sympathetic...Get over it, everybody has their bad days but maybe it would be better if you kept it to yourself.
←Rate | 11-22-2009 16:09 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon It wouldn't be a normal Sunday on the couch watching the Baltimore/Indianapolis game without the Erectile Dysfunction commercial. 4 hours? Goddamn.
←Rate | 11-22-2009 14:38 by bCJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.
←Rate | 11-22-2009 12:58 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty ****ing cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?
←Rate | 11-22-2009 12:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was waiting for a call last night so I put my phone under my pillow, woke up this morning - phone was gone and $1 was in its place...damn tooth fairy....
←Rate | 11-22-2009 11:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always take life with a grain of salt... Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
←Rate | 11-22-2009 09:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut! Isn't that amazing? Before you show your hurt feelings, just keep in mind THIS IS A JOKE, no one can create a camera that FAST
←Rate | 11-22-2009 09:50 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Today's comment intentionally left blank.
←Rate | 11-22-2009 09:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got me some new underwear today! Well they're new to me anyway...
←Rate | 11-22-2009 09:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right!
←Rate | 11-22-2009 09:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid.
←Rate | 11-22-2009 09:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts."
←Rate | 11-22-2009 09:38 Comments (0)  

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