Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I've been invited to a neighbour's house later for drinks with nibbles!...they treat that bloody cat like Royalty?
←Rate | 12-04-2017 15:11 by Trueman Comments (3)  

   messageicon Kennedy put a man on the moon, Obama put a man in the ladies room.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 20:56 Comments (4)  

   messageicon By useing earbuds it gave me alot of practice to un-tangling a string of Christmas lights
←Rate | 12-04-2017 21:17 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone, get your time in the gym now before the end of the yr.. it gets packed for 2 months from those "New yr, New me" ppl... then they give up after 2 months
←Rate | 12-04-2017 22:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The population of the USA 323.1 million, CNN Fake News watchers 1.72 million. 99% stand with Trump, unless you’re an idiot.
←Rate | 12-04-2017 22:27 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I just put (3) Bit-coins in the car wash and got a 30K wash. :(
←Rate | 12-05-2017 00:50 by Rick Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you do the hokey pokey & turn yourself around, does that make you the bottom?
←Rate | 12-05-2017 01:11 by Gimjer Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn't let you skip
←Rate | 12-05-2017 04:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it
←Rate | 12-05-2017 04:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't believe it's been 5 years since the world ended in 2012
←Rate | 12-05-2017 04:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I look at you, I can hear music.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 04:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 05:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon She just needs a shot of vitamin D.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 05:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 06:19 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife?
←Rate | 12-05-2017 08:29 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Sometimes you can just tell it's going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Brexiters who’ve spent 18 months saying ‘you lost, get over it’ are still waiting to discover what they’ve won.
←Rate | 12-06-2017 00:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does the "Baby On Board" sign help us decide which car not to hit ?
←Rate | 12-06-2017 05:53 Comments (3)  

   messageicon "Baby On Board" sign help us look for a baby in case of an crash and the parents are unconscious.
←Rate | 12-06-2017 05:57 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.
←Rate | 12-06-2017 14:25 Comments (0)  

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