Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn't let you skip
←Rate | 12-05-2017 04:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it
←Rate | 12-05-2017 04:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't believe it's been 5 years since the world ended in 2012
←Rate | 12-05-2017 04:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I look at you, I can hear music.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 04:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 05:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon She just needs a shot of vitamin D.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 05:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 06:19 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife?
←Rate | 12-05-2017 08:29 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Sometimes you can just tell it's going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Brexiters who’ve spent 18 months saying ‘you lost, get over it’ are still waiting to discover what they’ve won.
←Rate | 12-06-2017 00:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does the "Baby On Board" sign help us decide which car not to hit ?
←Rate | 12-06-2017 05:53 Comments (2)  

   messageicon "Baby On Board" sign help us look for a baby in case of an crash and the parents are unconscious.
←Rate | 12-06-2017 05:57 Comments (3)  

   messageicon Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.
←Rate | 12-06-2017 14:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Mothers: Please don't tell your little girls "He's only being mean because he likes you." and then wonder why they grow up and marry assholes.
←Rate | 12-07-2017 07:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Medicated, caffeinated, irritated. Just give me my coffee, give me my computer, and leave me the hell alone.
←Rate | 12-07-2017 07:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctor - "how is your headache" Patient - "She is fine."
←Rate | 12-07-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men and women have different ways of cleaning a toilet. Women use bleach and rinse twice, Men just pee on poop stain as hard as they can.
←Rate | 12-07-2017 08:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If becoming "religious" has made you more judgmental, rude, harsh or a backbiter, you need to check again if you are worshiping God or your Ego
←Rate | 12-07-2017 08:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality
←Rate | 12-07-2017 08:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 04:20 Comments (0)  

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