Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

   IROC=Italian Retard Out Cruising

   so awesome, even my Camaro says Iroc!

   The saxophone still hasn't been brought to justice for everything it did in the 1980s.

   I support precisely enough global warming to flood Jersey Shore.

   was looking through my wallet and found the condom I had in there has a hole poked in it...touche gas station attendant

   I tuned into the Miss Universe Pageant hoping to see Miss Jupiter, but it turns out only Earth entered the competition.

   Why is it that, in a world full of silicon chips, hand held computers, waterproof paper, and manned space travel, can I not get the little chain to stay attached to the drainage plug in the back tank of my toilet seat

   Sing as if no one is listening, work as if someone is watching, make love as if you need the money, and dance as if no one is going to post it on Youtube."

   doesn't get why everyone blames the craziness on the "full moon".. the moon is ALWAYS there, you just dont see it all the time

   On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?

   Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?

   was out side working and this clear salty liquid started coming out of my skin every where... I may need a Doctor... I think I may be melting..

   How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

   If a cannible was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electricuted for his last meal?

   Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

   Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?

   Police were called to a day-care centre today.... A two year old boy was resisting a rest.

   my name is what, my name is who, my name is chicka chicka slim shady

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.