Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No meal tastes as delicious as the meal that someone else cooks.

   McDonald's is like a one night stand. I crave it. It feels good going down. I completely regret it afterwards.

   The only thing I hate about having a phone is when people call.

   Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.

   Well officer, it wasn't public urination until you started looking at me.

   just b/c a hoe is throwin it at you don't mean you gotta take it. its like boxing, you don't take every punch thrown, dodge that b1tch.

   Having your gf/bf break up with you and saying: We can still be friends. Is like your dog dying and you mom saying: You can still keep it

   Hacking and coughing with this cold. If I hack up a lung can it be sold on the black market?

   OMG! Finding it so hard to study today, all the info just looks like a bunch of letters... Verbal, participle, infinitive, appositive, gerund.... begin, like, love,try, start stop,continue... my brain is over loaded...

   If you are innocent until proven guilty, they why are you arrested and sent to jail before your trial?

   Why do they report power outages on TV?

   Why is everything that goes by water “car”go and everything by land is “ship”ment!

   Why do you sterilize needles for lethal injection?

   How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,you can be pretty sure they're not using it.

   it is unbelievable how much hair I'm pulling outta my nose, I wonder If I can sell it to the people who make wigs...

   I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   When convincing your kid to take his/her medicine, don't taste it yourself before checking the prescription info. Your kid won't understand that daddy only made himself throw up in the sink because he's allergic.

   Vegetarians - My food sh**ts on your food........

   In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead....