Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   playing punch buggy with your mother

   A bum jus asked me "can you spare ne change", I said it @ the same time he did & called 'Jinx'. Now he cant ask 4 change until I say his name

   You know life sucks when you have to start wearing "corrective" underwear.

   If Glenn Beck runs for President, I want to see a birth certificate proving he was born on this planet.

   After Palin's speech today, we need a rally for Restoring Grammar.

   A Guy gives a girl 12 roses, 11 real, 1 fake, and tells her "I will love you until the last rose dies<3

   inbox(1).... awesome feeling

   Justin Bieber: What song should I cover? Random Girl: If I were a boy.

   just checked in @ none of your god damn business

   Lock up Paris Hilton in guantanamo bay. or would that be cruel and unsual punishment for the prisoners?

   itunes wants more updates on a daily bases than a woman wants attention

   Martin Luther King - I too had a dream. A great white shark came up through my floor boards to eat me and had train track braces on its teeth. Beat that Martin!

   People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.

   The world writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, it's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   Be careful where you walk. You don't want to get cut on any broken dreams.

   Old: Never take candy from strangers. New: Never click links from strangers.

   Interviewer asked Tiger Woods what happened in the tournament. "I'm having a hard time controlling my balls." You think?

   In honor of Michael Jackson's birthday, their family requests that all child actors wear their pants at "half-staff" today.

   What is up with this Guiltless CheeseCake... How do we now what the CheeseCake is thinking?