Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

   If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   i think we due a bad spell of wether

   It must be awkward when GPS tells gay people to go straight

   My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.

   At 40 you can’t really walk it off any more. You’re hurt now.

   A safe word, but for when you can’t listen to another boring story.

   If you lend a friend some money and you never see them again. It probably was worth it.

   The reason people like dogs is because dogs wag their tails instead of their tongues

   The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.

   Husband asks to see my phone. ***Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.***

   Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."

   "That microwave TV dinner was remarkably delicious and quite filling." ...Said no one ever.

   Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.

   Sharks don't kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

   We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted "Most Likely to Secede."