Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to my neighbor's diary, I have boundary issues.

   Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   I want to start a support organization for pets that are forced to be emotional supports for humans

   I'm glad for Justin Beiber and conrats to him on his new "unplugged" show. Personally I think every pop stars' act seems more relaxed and genuine once their b utt pl ug is removed.

   I think I'm going to make chocolate covered Tide Pods for Valentine's day

   Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.

   My guess is that few Children are named Siri or Alexa anymore.

   I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake

   A lot of people cry when they chop onions....The trick is to not form an emotional bond

   It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food

   My wife caught me cheating yesterday. Was a stupid and careless mistake. She said she's never going to play Monopoly with me again

   Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present

   You know you've been working too hard when you keep dialing a 9 while making a call from your home phone.

   Seen a midget carrying a plasma TV to his car and a yelled out, “Hey buddy! Need help carrying that TV?” He shouted, “It’s an iPAD A$$HOLE!”

   I’m building a wall around Facebook and Your all going to pay for it

   Most teenagers are treated like children. But are expected to act like adults.

   Why did the Chicken cross the road? To show Possums it can be done!~

   I find it very irritating when someone knocks on the door then when you ask who it is they say 'ME' .Like if I knew who it was I wouldn't have asked, Seriously Now!

   Can't wait till Feb 15th.........otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate/Cake day

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late and all the good choices are already taken.