Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing like watching the FB movies and seeing the highlights of" most liked posts" of your fiance' with other girlfriends

   Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak"

   Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee

   Apparently during one of the celebrations/riots in Philadelphia someone was arrested for punching a police horse. The man spent the night in jail while the horse was listed a being in “stable “ condition.

   Rumor has it there's a Tesla floating out in space somewhere. Finders keepers!!!

   Kylie Jenner named her baby Stormy... So let me get this straight.... The Kardashians now have a Stormy, North, Chicago with a Saint?!

   idk why the amazon CEO doesn't cal l himself the "Amazon Prime Minister"

   Eagles deflated tom brady

   had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..

   Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.

   If David Letterman moves to Canada, does he have to change his last name?

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   Did you know oranges can be male or female? If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male and if it's bitter for no reason it's a female.

   Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   Man to a super cute air hostess : Whats your name? Air Hostess: Eva Benz Man: Lovely name, any relationship with Mercedes Benz? Air Hostess: Our Maintenance cost is the same

   Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all

   I just saw what came out of me, so I highly doubt I am beautiful on the inside.